Hello, Elyse.

Someone who is being bullied at work sent me the link to your site. I work with children being bullied, and my co-author has written a best-seller about adults who bully each other.

For your web site, I have some info about adult bullies, "Invalidators" that is, from "Nasty People" that I usually send to adults who write to me about being
bullied. Please note my co-author is a professional speaker on this topic, and if you would like to post any of this info on your board or make it available to let people know that their communities/workplaces can become educated on these issues by way of lectures or workshops created by from Dr. Carter, we feel this would be beneficial to many people.

We can be reached at "Taking the Bully by the Horns" at http://hometown.aol.com/kthynoll.

If you are an adult who is experiencing bullying in the work place, I would suggest visitors to www.expendablesatwork.com order or read our book, "Nasty People"

This book, "Nasty People," is about that sector of the population which contributes to a specific phenomenon called "Invalidation." Or Adult BULLIES! This is the major cause of poor self esteem, mental anguish, and overall unhappiness. Unfortunately, in the US, Invalidation seems to be part of the American way. With this in mind, you can see that this book may contain some of the most important information you've ever read and may result in a significant change in your life.

Invalidation is propagated in our society by about 20% of the population. Out of that 20%, only 1% intentionally spread this misery, while the other 19% do it unconsciously. Invalidation can be found to greater and lesser degrees in various societies. Happier individuals evolve from societies in which Invalidation is at a minimum. Unfortunately, in the US, it seems to be part of the American way.

Invalidation is a general term which I use in this book to describe one person injuring or trying to injure another. An Invalidation can range anywhere from a shot in the back to a "tsk, tsk" A rolling of the eye balls can be an Invalidation and so can a punch in the nose. It is usually the sneaky verbal or non-verbal Invalidations that cause the most damage. A punch in the nose is obvious, and it heals. However, an attack on self esteem....at the right moment....and in the right way....can last a lifetime. Destroying a person's capability to be happy for a whole lifetime is probably worse than any physical thing one person can do to another. The major reason Invalidation occurs so often is that it seems to work. The sneaky Invalidation works because a punch in the nose is obvious and can be returned to the insulting party, while the mental attack may go unnoticed, and unpunished, while it injures its victim.

The people who get invalidated allow themselves to be invalidated. It is every person's duty to learn to recognize and divert or defuse the
devaluation attack. IF INVALIDATION DIDN'T WORK....NOBODY WOULD DO IT.

About Jay Carter

Dr. Carter is a Licensed Psychologist, best selling author, and a professional speaker. He was an executive manager from IBM Corporation and he has done seminars and workshops for organizations around the country. He is the author of the best selling book, "Nasty People", which has sold 3/4 million copies in the USA and around the world. Dr. Carter has appeared before colleges, universities, and institutions like Loyola University, Temple University, United Way, IBM, the Association of University Women, and Union Carbide. He currently does regular workshops for the Caron Foundation on "Dual Diagnosis", "Anger Management", "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", and "Emotions in Recovery". These workshops are done for the staff (counselors, therapists, social workers, & psychologists) as well as the patients. He ran "Anger Management" workshops weekly at Berks County Prison for two years. He ran workshops at Penn State and Reading Area Community College on "Difficult Personalities", "Gender Communication", and "Leadership and Charisma". He also does intensives at Ana Capa in California for the
Special Services Division on Post traumatic Stress, and "Dealing with Nasty People". His workshops on Nasty People, Leadership, Charisma, Communication, and Bullies, have made positive changes in thousands of personal and professional lives.

Publications
- Nasty People (personality and verbal/emotional abuse), psychology,
Contemporary Books, NY & Chicago, 1989
- Nasty Men (personality and abuse), psychology/self-help, Contemporary
Books, Chicago, 1993
- Taking the Bully by the Horns by Kathy Noll with Jay Carter (How kids can
deal with difficult kids), self-help ages 10-15, Unicorn Press, 1998
- Butterflies Don't Land on Manure (A fictionalized book. New age. Romance,
adventure, enlightenment) Unicorn Press, 1998
- Bipolar: An Unorthodox, Common Sense Approach (as stated) Unicorn Press,
2001)

Q & A with Kathy Noll

Q. Why was your book written?

There is a great need for information on bullies now as a lot of children are having problems. I know this because I receive a lot of mail asking for help from parents, children and educators. Also, our book was written right before all the school shootings and bomb threats began so there is a definite NEED for it.

Q. How did Dr. Carter become your co-author?

My book, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" is the children's version of Dr. Jay Carter's best-selling book, "Nasty People." Dr. Carter asked me to write this book because he had liked my short stories that I wrote for children. He had placed an ad in the newspaper for a co-author and said he picked me over 50 other authors who submitted writing samples because he felt I had a way with talking to kids.

Q. Who is the book intended to help?

Educators are helped by using "Taking the Bully by the Horns" to control their class bullies and also to help their class victims. Parents are helped by reading the book to their children or having them read it themselves. And children/young adults are helped - both victims AND bullies. The victims will learn how to handle bullies and where to get help. The bullies will learn how their negative actions are affecting people and how to change their behavior. Both are helped with self-esteem as well which is very important when dealing with these issues.

Q. Define Bullying; what does it consist of?

Bullying consists of ongoing threats, physical attacks, words, gestures, or social exclusion directed at a student or students by a student or group of students who are older, bigger, or more powerful. Besides physical bullying, there is also verbal bullying and mental bullying. The bully's pattern of verbal abuse might include: teasing, swearing, put downs, gossiping, twisting your words around, judging you unfairly, passing blame, bossing, embarrassing you in front of a group, making you cry. The bully's pattern of mental abuse includes: twisting your words around, judging you unfairly, missing the point, passing blame, bossing, making you self-conscious, embarrassing you, making you cry, confusing you, and making you feel small so he/she can feel big.

Q. What sort of feedback have you gotten from those who read your book?

Those who have shared my book with their children/students tell me the children feel stronger after reading my book. They also understand bullying behavior better, and have improved their self-esteem. One boy touched me when he told me he was handicapped and read my book Christmas day when he received it. He didn't put it down until he was finished and said it was the best book he ever read and that it made him feel a lot better about himself.

Q. How does a bully become a bully?

He (or she) may be angry at problems he's having in his own life and is looking for people to use as punching bags. It could also be a learned behavior from being bullied at home by family members. Another reason we hear a lot about is the influence of violence in the media. But the major reason is that they really have a low self-esteem. They make look high and mighty but that is arrogance. Don't mistake arrogance for a high self-esteem. If someone truly has a good self-esteem they would not feel the need to control others.

Q. What is the difference between the boy bully and the girl bully?

They are the same in many ways. However girls are prone to specifically bully through gossip, ostracizing and forming "cliques." Girls and boys both use teasing and verbal abuse; However, the boys are more prone to use physical violence. 80% of the time an argument with a bully will end up in a physical fight.

Q. Does an individual set himself/herself up as a victim?

You never tell the victim "it's their fault" when a bully bullies them. The bully is the one with the problem. The victim needs to know he's OK and did not cause this. However there are certain kids who are more likely to be bullied. For example: those with poor social skills. You could reduce your chances of being bullied by walking straight and tall, shoulders back/head held high, making eye contact, speaking loudly and clearly, assuming an air of confidence with yourself and your surroundings.